I WANT OUT OF HERE.

ARGHHHHHH.

Dangit.

I can't tolerate being HERE anymore.

This house is AWFUL when my dad is away. He's off visting friends in other states, which is great, but I miss him. Being here with my mother and my brother only proves what I've known for years; I can't live with her.
She pushes me so easily. With little effort, she goes from kind to furious, and suddenly, she's yelling at me and I'm frustrated and yelling back. Defending myself, but it doesn't help.

So I end up sitting, with my back to her, blasting music and wishing that I couldn't hear her criticisms and her complaints. Her reason for anger is my procrastination, my different methods of work. She's upset because she lost the job she hoped to get, because of the poor words of her sources, the people she thought had a good view of her.

I don't BLAME her for taking her annoyance out on me, but I don't like it. I understand why she's upset, but I don't want to deal with that. She has the right to be annoyed, but she doesn't have to take it out on me.

I'm used to it, though. I am the scapegoat. She and I are complete opposites. It's easy for her to divert her anger onto me. I respond how she wants-- with anger. Until I give in and sit, with my back to her, holding back my harsh words; shaking from the effort.

I want out of this city. I am bored. I am sick of online school. There's nothing fun here, nothing to distract me. My friends feel like they're hundreds of miles away. Everybody is busy with their own thing, even if they're here. I'm trapped, though. I can't escape. I am obligated to stay, for school and cross-country. But I would rather be elsewhere.

I want out of my current situation.

My parents need to get a divorce. It would be DONE if Mother hadn't lost her job. My dad has his own company now-- which is helping. It's giving him the independence he craves, but he needs her support; at least in matters of money. I think that's how it's been for a while. They've stuck together for convenience. If they had a way to choose, they'd choose what is best for all of us. We're all stuck.

I want out of the mindset I've had for a few weeks. I want my sleep cycle back; I go to bed at 2 AM or later most days, and then I lie for hours, willing dreams to come. I can't break the cycle.

I feel terrible for Kitterbee. Her dog (Butterscotch! Molly's buddy!) is having surgery in less than an hour that he may not survive. I know the terrifying feeling of your dog's life hanging in the balance. I went through it two years ago, and yet I have no words of wisdom. All she can do is pray for the best. I'm hoping for the best, too. Butterscotch is so sweet, and doesn't deserve to die.

Worse than that, she found cigarettes in her mom's purse recently. She thought her mom quit a few years ago, after Kitterbee found cigarettes in her purse and freaked out. Her mom is like an adopted mom to "KATAM" and it SUCKS that she's doing something so awful to herself. Kitterbee hid her freak-out well, though; her mom doesn't know that she found the cigarettes. Her dad doesn't know. Kitterbee is lost about what to do; how do you tell your MOTHER that what she's doing is wrong? How do you deal with a parent's poor decisions? [Again, I have no idea.]

Argh, this is completely unhelpful. I need to rant properly. Too bad my rant-people are scattered around; Bingo's in Costa Rica on a mission trip (he SAID he'd be online earlier but wasn't), Flailure just came home from California and is sleeping, Molly's in EUROPE (without internet now), and Elphaba is... not online.

... Back to Online School now. Almost caught up with AFM, sorta. I'm not enjoying this.

*fighting the urge to flee*
Goodness. Somebody get online. Please.

-Aly