Growing Up

Hello!

Aly here, for the first time in a while. Missed me? (I hear that a lot these days, y'know.) It felt like a good time to write on this blog, so here I am.

I talked to Molly this morning before going to school (via Skype), and it was just awesome, despite the fact that she really should have been sleeping and I should have been eating breakfast. She already knows I miss her bunches, but conversations like that make me so glad I'm gone, and don't worry, I'll explain that statement (it's not because I'm missing drama).

The thing about being a foreign place for a long period of time, without your "security blanket", is that is forces you to re-define yourself. When you don't know anybody, not really, you have to figure out who you are all over again and show that to new people. I thought I had myself figured out, or as figured out as any teenager can... but yet, this experience has proven me wrong. The great thing about me being gone is that it's the same for Molly at home, just in a different way. Same surroundings, same people, same self, just the definition of self that comes once you're detached from your "twin", somebody that knows you just as well (if not better) than you know yourself.

I'd already done the religion thing, figuring out what I believe more precisely, and I'm very comfortable with what I believe now-- there's no questioning or uncertainty on my part. For Molly, this hasn't been the case. It's not my place to say, but the reason for her recent very religious posts are that she has finally figured it out for herself. Without me influencing, because that's one thing were we're opposite. The thing is, she's figured out so much more than that while I've been gone, and that conversation this morning showed me that. I've changed, too, but we're still twins and best friends, and I am really happy for her, that she's had the same opportunity to grow, even if the religion thing freaked me out at first.

The truth of the matter is that we're growing up, both of us. Separately and at the same time, but we're growing up in such a way that we'd both have to slap you if you said "growing apart". Oceans can separate us in distance, but at the same time, that's impossible.

It's been four months here (as of tomorrow), but I'm already so different from when I left. I'm different in ways that I LIKE. I feel older, in a good way-- more mature, more understanding. I feel less like a kid mentally; this experience has given me insights into myself and other people, and even my mother. I'm still learning and growing, but without coming here, I don't think it would be the same.

I've just come back from vacation. I'm kind of out of it. That vacation was amazing, and I spent a LOT of time thinking and reflecting, writing and contemplating my time here. What have I accomplished? Many things, but not enough of what I wanted. I'm anxious to start traveling again, to learn more and discover. To continue to prove to myself that I AM capable of all the things I doubt I can do. When I go home, I will be able to say this was the experience of a lifetime, because including the bad things, the timing wasn't wrong. No matter what N says, that I'm too young for this... I know-- for myself-- that the timing was perfect.

My time here will nearly be over in 2 months. The end of a dream, I would have said. In a way, it is. Can it be the end of a dream if I realized a dream I didn't know I had and lived another experience? If it exceeded expectations or disappointed, was it the same dream? I'm not the same person, not exactly... but yes, this is my dream; it's my reality, too.

♥
-Aly

P.S. Molly, talk to you soon!

Re-definition

Hello!

Cromy-Crom (the other XC coach) is back from vacation now. He's a bit concerned about me; not because I missed 8:30 practice yesterday, but my (explanation of) why.

You see, what happened was... I fell asleep at 6:45, which isn't a weird time for me to be going to sleep these days. I got up at 9.

Upon hearing this, he got That Look... the one of "fatherly concern". He drilled me about possible reasons why, which I sheepishly answered, promising to go to bed earlier. Not like it would help.

Anyway, I got more sleep last night, due to the fact that I went to bed earlier, when I felt sickly. I slept until noon today, putting me at a good 8-ish hours of sleep if you factor in my hour-long siesta.

While I was running today, I was thinking about the term "rebonjour". I learned this word when I read Words in a French Life by Kristin Espinasse, a book my dad had found at the used bookstore a few months ago and purchased.

In France, if you want to seem even more odd to the French, just say "Hello" one time too many. Les Français don't understand the Anglophone affinity for repeating "Hello" at another point in a twenty-four-hour time frame. The French say "Bonjour" once-- point final.
That said, the Frenchies have come up with a way to regree one another, using the ultrapopular term rebonjour.
~From Words in a French Life, pg 236

I was thinking about it because while Mixtape and I ran our four miles in the woods behind the college near the Gardens, we kept seeing this couple running with their unleashed dogs. I smiled and said "Hello!', and they apologized for their happy pups running up to us and excitedly greeting these sweaty barely-clothed high schoolers, and smiled and waved as they continued their own run. We saw them again a few miles later, and I greeted them, laughing, saying "Hello again!" They replied "Hiya!" and kept running. I wasn't feeling relating to French at that point, but now it strikes me; rebonjour.

Hello again.

Now that I think about it, we say "Hello again" to a lot of things. For many people, each day is a "hello again". As in, "hello again, world!", and then they do the same things they have already done.

I am one of these people right now, with the exception of Random Adventures. My life is in a "hello again" stage right now. I don't like it. I'm prone to periods of Urge-to-Flee, where I can't sit still, can't focus, and generally just want to elsewhere, doing something else with my time. I'm not unhappy with my life, per se, but I'm not entirely content with it, either.

This prompts me to ask: why not change?

When there's an issue in your life, something you aren't satisfied with; why not change it? Change your perspective. Change your interactions with people. Change your relationships. Change your activities. Change your focus, your priorities, your use of your time. It's better than saying "hello again" to whatever it is in your life that isn't giving you a fresh new day, EVERY day.

Elphaba is a brilliant person. She notices things about people and situations, and acts to correct problems. Yet, the boy she liked has been confusing her for a few days. She told him about her feelings a few days after he got a girlfriend, and he promised that, despite being unable to respond well to her confession (since he had a girlfriend and was graduating), the two of them would remain friends.

Recently, he broke up with his girlfriend. The two of them have been talking on FIM for a while, and for awhile, he's been pretty unresponsive. His intial reaction and response in contrast to his more recent emotions and behavior confused Elphaba. She disliked the change in the relationship, and missed his friendship. Finding her bravery, she sent him a message, saying:

"You say that you like me too much to let us not be friends, yet what we have right now isn't a friendship. A friendship isn't having a one-sided conversation or having to struggle to keep a conversation. It isn't awkward and random 'hi, how are you's'. If this relationship is too awkward for you please let me know because right now it isn't a friendship. I'm starting to regret ever telling you THAT I had a crush because I liked our friendship before and it's not the same without it."

After she shared that message with me, I realized something: my whatever with Dumbo is kinda like that recently. It's not a friendship. It's me, trying to hold on to a boy who has nothing to tie him to me, except the thin WHATEVER-this-relationship-is. It's me being pathetic, sending him an email at midnight and rambling about randomness, texting him when I feel like it, and not expecting an answer.

I think it's time to re-define.

Elphaba's on to something, there; that isn't friendship. What is it, then? Is there a word for a partial relationship? (one word. not two ;))

Re-defining, to me, seems like it is figuring out what is going on with your life, figuring out the reasons behind it, and fixing what you can.

I like the idea; I think I may try to re-define my life and relationships. How do I describe my days? Boring. I would like to say they are all worthwhile, fun, or just good. Am I happy? Not particularly. I'd like to be content, even happy. The problem is figuring out what I need to do to achieve that.

I have a pretty good idea what I need to start with, so I'm going to go do that now.

Best wishes!
-Aly